Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Oct 15, 2007 8:16:11 GMT -6
...and boy are my arms tired! So here it is -- a thread just for jokes. (I got the idea from another forum, with apologies to Cmiles8, if he's still hanging around.) Bonus points if you can retell the joke with a Star Trek spin. For example....
A Vulcan, a Bajoran, and a Klingon were talking a hiking tour on an agricultural planet. When they got to the hostel where they were supposed to spend the night, it was such a pleasant evening, they kept walking. When they finally got tired, the only place nearby was a small farmhouse. The owner said he would be glad to put them up for the night, but he only had two beds in the house. The Vulcan volunteered to sleep out in the barn with the cow and the pig.
Half an hour later, there was a knock on the door. It was the Vulcan. "I am sorry, but the smell of that cow is just too revolting for me." The Bajoran agreed to go out to the barn instead.
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the Bajoran. "I am sorry, but the sound that pig makes grunting and burping is just too disgusting." So the Klingon agreed to go out to the barn.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
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Varel
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Post by Varel on Oct 16, 2007 18:04:52 GMT -6
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Oct 17, 2007 7:55:42 GMT -6
Two experimental robots were undergoing intelligence tests at the Daystrom Institute. Later than evening, when they got to together, the first robot said, "This has been an exasperating day. My human had me placing differently shaped pegs into differently shaped holes all afternoon."
"You were lucky," said the second robot. "My human places a banana on top of a five meter platform, gave me a three meter aluminum pole, and then told me he wanted the banana."
"That does not sound so difficult," said the first robot, after thinking it over for half a nanosecond.
"I know," said the second robot. "But he kept wriggling off the end of the pole."
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Varel
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Post by Varel on Oct 20, 2007 16:54:47 GMT -6
pmsl....
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Oct 24, 2007 7:54:19 GMT -6
[Okay, I couldn't think how to rewrite this one as a Star Trek joke. Plus, I've heard various versions, but for some reason I think it's funniest set in England.]
An American living in London comes home one day in the middle of the afternoon to find a gorilla rampaging around in his garden, tearing up the roses. As soon as it sees him, the gorilla climbs up into a tree and refuses to budge.
The American doesn't know what to do, but his neighbor had always told him, "You can find anything you need in London, my boy, anything at all." So the American looks in the telephone directory and is astonished to find a listing for "Ferguson and Brown, Gorilla Trappers." He calls them up, and within ten minutes, a discreet white van is pulling up in front of the house.
A man introducing himself as Ferguson looks over the situation, goes back to the van and returns with a ladder, a dog, a pair of iron manacles, and a shotgun. "My assistant is out sick," says Ferguson, "so I wonder if I could ask you to help me out just a little."
"If it's not dangerous," says the American.
"Oh, perish the thought!" says Ferguson. "You see, utilising this ladder, I shall climb up into the tree. There I shall vigourously shake the branch such that the gorilla falls to the ground. Thereupon this trained gorilla-trapping hound will savagely seize the beast by the testicles until I climb down and place these manacles on its wrists. There is no danger to you whatsoever."
"Okay," says the American. "What's the shotgun for then?"
"That is where you come in. You shall stand here with the shotgun, and if by any chance I should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, then for the love of Heaven, shoot the dog!"
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Baggy52
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Post by Baggy52 on Oct 30, 2007 14:19:34 GMT -6
Wow, well I guess I could have gone in the tree, as if I fell the dogs teeth would break on my *ahem* android, metal... man parts.
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Oct 31, 2007 8:33:53 GMT -6
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a warp core breach in progress!
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Baggy52
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Post by Baggy52 on Oct 31, 2007 14:22:24 GMT -6
Why did Atoz tell a lame joke?
Because I wasn't about to shove him out the airlock!
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Nov 2, 2007 8:05:24 GMT -6
Two neutral atoms meet in a bar. About an hour later, they get up to leave, and one atom says, "Hey, I've lost an electron!"
The other atom says, "Are you sure?"
The first atom says, "I'm Positive!"
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Nov 19, 2007 9:19:50 GMT -6
Ten ways to tell if you've been assimiliated by the Borg:
10 -- You don't move as fast as you used to. 9 -- No matter what you do, you can't get a tan. 8 -- You notice that you don't spend as much time deciding what to wear in the morning. 7 -- You find that games like "I spy" have suddenly gotten really monotonous. ("I spy something...black.") 6 -- Before you can decide what to watch on television, 10,000 other people have already made up your mind for you. 5 -- You try to scratch your nose and nearly rip your face off with the stainless steel surgical saw grafted to your arm. 4 -- You buy Popular Mechanics magazine for the sexy pictures. 3 -- Your favorite shape is a cube. 2 -- You can't wear sunglasses because of the optical scanner protruding from your eyesocket. 1 -- You make a simple statement like, "Resistance is Futile", and people panic for some reason.
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Baggy52
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Post by Baggy52 on Nov 22, 2007 10:19:22 GMT -6
rotflmho (Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Head Off)
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Dec 13, 2007 11:34:42 GMT -6
When the Cardassian government fell after the Dominion War, many of the military orders were disbanded, including the Red Order, which was concerned with adapting civilian technology to military uses. Gul R'dalf, one of the commanders of the order, found himself stripped of his rank and reduced to working as a meteorologist on a small colony near the Federation border.
His first online broadcast: "There will be a light shower starting at precisely 9:07:35 the day after tomorrow. It will increase to a moderate downpour starting at 10:22:08, and will stop entirely at 10:46:02."
The station manager couldn't believe he could possibly make that accurate a forecast. He started to explain how he had experimented with weather control mechanisms, but soon gave it up. "Trust me," he said. "R'dalf the Red knows rain, dear."
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Dec 17, 2007 8:30:53 GMT -6
Medical emergency! We have a Category 3 pun running loose on the Observation Deck! Seven crewmen have already gone into violent convulsions! Send help!
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Atoz 77
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Post by Atoz 77 on Dec 28, 2007 8:54:35 GMT -6
This one's kind of a "shaggy dog" story --
A civilian consultant (whom we shall call "Fred") was coming in for a landing at a Starbase when the tractor beam failed and the shuttlecraft plowed into the bulkhead of the hangar deck. He woke up in the infirmary with three Starfleet doctors standing over him, about to operate. "What's going on?" he said.
"Just sit back, sir," said the head doctor. "We're just about to amputate your arm. You won't feel a thing."
"No way!" said Fred, sitting up. Looking over, he could see that, while he seemed pretty much all right in other respects, his left arm was horribly mangled, just hanging on by a thin thread of tendon. "I know how you Starfleet doctors feel about civilians! There must be something else you can do!"
"I'm afraid not, sir," said the doctor, pushing him back down on the table.
"I want a second opinion," declared Fred. And against medical advice, he checked out of the station infirmary and had himself beamed down to the main hospital of Altair 6, the planet below. The head of the emergency room took one look at his arm, hanging precariously from a single thread, and shook his head.
"Yes, there's no other choice," he said. "We'll have to amputate."
"No way!" Fred insisted. "Isn't there anyone else I can go to?"
"Well," said the doctor hesitantly. "There's Dr. Leonard McCoy, the legendary surgeon. If anyone could save your arm, it would be him. But he's retired, and lives on Earth in a cabin up at the top of the highest mountain in Rockies."
So Fred raced out of the hospital, took a transporter to the spaceport, booked a flight to Earth, rented an aircar, flew to Colorado, and began the torturous climb up the side of the highest mountain in the Rockies. Hour after grueling hour went by, struggled one-handed up the mountainside while keeping his mangled arm tightly to his side. Finally, he got to the top and staggered exhausted to the tiny cabin he found there.
"Are you Dr. Leonard McCoy?" he gasped, when the old man opened the door.
"Ah'm retired," said the old man, about to close the door on him.
Fred launched into his sad story, about how he had crashed and the doctors all said his arm had to be amputated. He told how he had flown to Earth and climbed to the top of the mountain in the hope that the Dr. McCoy could do something -- anything to help. The old man softened. "Let me see it," he said.
Fred held up his mangled arm, hanging from a tiny thread of sinew, as McCoy inspected it. "Mmmm. Uh-huh. Well, ah got good news, young fella. We ain't gonna have to amputate."
"We ain't? I mean, we aren't? Bless you!"
"Nope," said Dr. McCoy. "You jess wait five more minutes, and it's gon' fall off all by itself."
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Baggy52
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Post by Baggy52 on Jan 9, 2008 21:05:21 GMT -6
(That is all I have to say)
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